Beyond Coffee: The Creative Mentee
Network more effectively with better strategies for finding the right mentor in your field
It’s an inevitable sign one has “arrived” in an industry: the steady drumbeat of “Do you have time for a coffee?” requests. Or, post-pandemic, “Can we hop on a call so I can ask you about getting started?” Paradoxically, these requests snowball as we become busier, to the point that the request for time seems almost laughable. My inbox was flooded with over *300* LinkedIn invites, most with no note, in the past 2 weeks from folks I’d never met on 6 continents— in a world where bots and unscrupulous folks who will abuse your name as a connection are more common than ever. It’s sadly just not practical to accept most cold invites.
So what’s a prospective mentee to do? You’re probably peppered with platitudes like “It’s better to ask forgiveness than permission” and “It never hurts to ask!” Why not just send a message?
While those tips are true under some circumstances, I’m here to tell you that they aren’t helpful strategies for potential mentees. Odds are, your chosen mentors are busy, stressed, and fielding many such requests. Instead of blurting out, “Will you mentor me?” or “Can I buy you a coffee?”, start with these five tips to set your mentor search up for better success:
- Reframe your definition of a mentor.
- Know your goals, and find the right mentor type.
- Do your homework.
- Make your first impression meaningful. Especially on LinkedIn.
- Bring something to the “table”.
Let’s dive in on each of these in search of more meaningful, considered, and respectful mentoring outreach that leads to successful connections with professionals in your industry of choice.
Successful networking isn’t a game, transaction, or a collection: it is a two-way exchange of trust, time, and insight rooted in real human connections.
#1: Reframe your definition of a mentor.
So many students and young career professionals have been sold the concept of a “mentor” as a Role To Fill. Someone you recruit, who happily provides their free time indefinitely to help you grow.
Unfortunately, that concept really only applies inside large companies with formal mentorship programs. The real world is far, far messier. Would it blow your mind to hear that most of the “mentors” I had didn’t know I considered them mentors at the time? That in most cases I learned from them by proxy without assigning the role of “mentor”?
A mentor can be anyone who provides you insights that change your approach to your career. This is frequently, but not always, a 1:1 interaction. Mentors usually know who you are, but they might not know you’re actively watching and learning from them. They might be a teacher, a manager, a leader, a friend.
But these aren’t always long-term relationships. Sometimes your “mentor” is only in your life for a few hours or weeks. When you find yourself working with someone you’d want to mentor you, be mindful about your time with them. What can you learn without ever asking for mentorship? What additional questions do you think would only be answerable 1:1?
Start your search for mentors close to home. The closer you are to your mentor professionally, the more likely you are to get quality 1:1 time with them. And realize that mentors come and go. This isn’t a lifelong marriage, simply a synergy of paths.
If you can’t find mentors close to home, or find sources of unofficial mentoring, then it may be time to cast a wider net.
#2: Know your goals, and find the right mentor type.
It’s expecting far too much of any mentor to know what it is that you should learn. And in reality, different mentors are good for different things. Review these common types of mentors and reflect on what you need most in your career at the moment — and remember you will likely need different mentors at different stages of your career.
1. Early-career mentors
Looking to break into an industry? Don’t start with the extremely experienced people you see in your books and on stage. Many of them are far removed from the experience of “breaking in”, and may have outdated or even harmful perspectives if you seek out their own getting-started stories.
Instead, seek out young professionals. The bonus is that many of these young professionals are hungrier for networking and may highly value the ability to give back so early in their career.
2. Skill mentors
Occasionally you may need to improve one of the skills in your toolbox, in which case you may seek out a mentor to help you along the way. Common skill mentorship topics:
- Public speaking
- Influence and soft skills
- A new software tool, like Figma
- Applying a new methodology, like Agile
- Education guidance (Which courses to pursue)
Don’t expect a mentor to substitute for coursework. I can’t teach you my entire field in a coffee chat, and I won’t accept invites that imply they’re seeking that kind of mentorship. (Many folks get offended by that kind of request, so make requests like “I want to learn UX!” at your own peril.) Do your homework, and keep your expectations of a skill mentor strictly scoped.
Looking to break into an industry? Don’t start with the extremely experienced people you see in your books and on stage. Many of them are far removed from the experience of “breaking in”, and may have outdated or even harmful perspectives if you seek out their own getting-started stories. Instead, seek out young professionals.
3. Career mentors
In other cases, you may be preparing for a major career shift, in which case you’d find it helpful to speak to someone who has experienced similar things. Common career mentoring topics:
- Job category transitions
- Becoming a manager
- Preparing for promotions
- Dealing with difficult relationships in the office
These mentors must usually be outside your own org, to provide you a safe space to discuss difficult issues. If you’re looking for someone to champion you within your own organization, you’re probably looking for a sponsor: also helpful, but not a learning relationship.
4. Peer mentors
Peer mentors are often formally assigned to new employees at larger companies. They may come under many names (at the Gates Foundation, they’re called “Foundation Friends”), but their purpose is the same: provide a person who will, as part of their work, answer your questions and help show you the ropes. Peer mentors are excellent for questions like:
- Who does what on your team
- Influential individuals in the org
- How to navigate company culture
- Which meetings are important
- Where to find important reference material
This is a really wonderful concept that not everyone takes full advantage of when starting a new position. Peer mentors are often formally asked to participate, which means this is part of their job! Still, show respect for their time for having strong goals for your interactions.
5. Networking mentors
Many people seek out mentors expecting that mentors will connect you to their network of connections. If you think about it, though, this is a very backwards idea. The act of referring through one’s network is a deeply trust-based transaction. I would almost never refer someone to a colleague of mine that I haven’t worked with closely. If you’re seeking a network mentor, it’s more important than ever that you find some mutual value to offer proactively, to build trust and to justify your potential mentor’s risk.
The anti-pattern: networking with hiring managers
A really important emerging point new in the last few years: DO NOT use mentoring requests as an attempt to circumvent established hiring processes! This might have worked 10 years ago, but in a world with established D&I practices, it is a waste of time at best, and at worst, some companies reject applicants who reach out to hiring managers directly in an attempt to get a leg up.
Referrals are still valid and valued if you have established professional connections who work elsewhere in a company. But referrals are far different from hitting up a hiring manager and asking them to describe a role that’s already described in detail or to review your resume in a thinly veiled attempt to get extra 1:1 time. Quite frankly, the time you waste trying to shortcut the hiring process by trying to connect with hiring managers is time in which dozens of other applicants are getting considered and processed through the front door. In today’s conditions, many job openings get pulled down in a day or two due to overwhelming applications. Don’t gamble with your career like that!
If you have a genuine question about a role that cannot be answered by the job description, your best bet is to go to the recruiter and not the hiring manager. That’s their job — to help filter candidates and manage bias on intake, and to answer questions. They will be more responsive and *they* are usually the ones deciding to escalate your application to the manager.
The time you waste trying to shortcut the hiring process by trying to connect with hiring managers is time in which dozens of other applicants are getting considered and processed through the front door. In today’s conditions, many job openings get pulled down in a day or two due to overwhelming applications.
#3: Do your homework.
Before engaging a potential mentor, ask yourself what one question they’re most uniquely suited to answer for you. Then, do your homework:
- Have they already answered this question in their articles, books, websites, posts, or talks? Don’t ask that same question again.
- Are they active on social media like Twitter, Twitch, or Quora? Start by asking your question there.
- Can you ask the question digitally? Start by asking your well-scoped question in email or on LinkedIn.
- Is there a formal mentoring program you have access to that might help you answer this question in a different way?
Many mentors find over time that they can’t scale to the 1:1 requests they receive, and begin to publish or share the answers to questions they’re frequently asked. Nothing is more frustrating than having someone ask you questions you’ve already spent hours answering publicly!
Before engaging a potential mentor, ask yourself what one question they’re most uniquely suited to answer for you.
If you expect your potential mentor to exchange their own time, you should be willing to put your own time in first to ensure that your question is best answered directly, as opposed to something that’s already been covered elsewhere, is broadly applicable, or can be handled openly on social media.
Keep in mind that just being “connected” to someone doesn’t entitle you to their time; in fact, I often consider this a higher burden of proof. 2017 & 2018 were miserable years medically for me. Many Facebook “friends” kept silent during that time, AND during my self-employment, only to pop up disingenuously when I took my most recent role, looking to network. Sadly, (whether intended or not) this rings false. Mentoring requires trust that a mentee will respect my time and boundaries. When I need to reach out to someone I’m “friends” with on social media, the first step is ALWAYS to visit their profile, scroll back, and reflect on what they’re going through at the moment before making an ask. Be careful not to treat your friends as professional trading cards, kept in a shoebox until you need them.
If you expect your potential mentor to exchange their own time, you should be willing to put your own time in first to ensure that your question is best answered directly, as opposed to something that’s already been covered elsewhere, is broadly applicable, or can be handled openly on social media.
If you’re an underrepresented minority, keep an eye out for formalized mentorship programs to supplement this homework. You may discover your potential mentor is involved with some of them, giving you an introduction. Or you may discover similar professionals with whom you stand a better chance of getting 1:1 time.
Once you’ve clarified this primary question, you can use it in your next conversation with this potential mentor. If you must send the ubiquitous coffee invite, at the very least frame it with this question as a potential topic. In some cases, the promise of a conversation on a favorite passion might be enough to get you that “yes”.
When I need to reach out to someone I’m “friends” with on social media, the first step is ALWAYS to visit their profile, scroll back, and reflect on what they’re going through at the moment before making an ask.
#4: Make your first impression meaningful. Especially on LinkedIn.
It astonishes me how many folks send blind invites on LinkedIn without even introducing themselves or why I’d want to accept the connection. LinkedIn even warns you that blank invites are less likely to be accepted, so it’s almost MORE work to send that blank invite! And I, like many, have made “Follow” the default on LinkedIn. If you’re just looking to hear about my latest posts, Follow should be enough.
I expect folks looking to establish a networking connection to be able to introduce themselves and why we should connect. Think about this — unless we’ve met in person, this is your one shot at a first impression and you’re blowing it!
At the bare minimum, share why you clicked that “Connect” button. How did you find this profile? Whether it’s me or someone else, you probably found it via an article, video, or live talk. Share that information! It doesn’t take a lot of context to clear this hurdle, but you can’t clear it without trying.
Copy-paste boilerplate “notes” don’t ring true. Common connection fails:
- “I came across your profile and thought we should connect!”
- “We have mutual connections, and I thought we should connect!”
- “It looks like you’re in software! We should connect!”
Most of the time, when I’ve experimented with accepting generic invitations like this, I am rewarded by an immediate and aggressive ask for time to sell me something. This is a very common problem for senior folks in leadership who are perceived as having purchasing power. I have been burned too many times in my curiosity about other people, and worse yet sometimes these people start hitting up my connections. I can no longer take that chance. (Especially the “we have mutuals” intro — how do I know you’re not just going to try that on all of my network with my name once we’re connected?)
Bots manage better conversation than this — I’m sure you can too. Make a habit of making your invite messages sourced and unique.
“Hey Katie, We met briefly when I attended your talk at XXX. I love your approach to YYY and hope we’ll get a chance to work together on that someday.”
And for heaven’s sake, DON’T ASK to “pick someone’s brain”. You have one chance at a first impression, and you conjure an image of invasively mining my skull for my hard-earned knowledge? No thanks. Words matter.
…For heaven’s sake, DON’T ASK to “pick someone’s brain”. You have one chance at a first impression, and you conjure an image of invasively mining my skull for my hard-earned knowledge? No thanks.
Better yet — don’t send an invite right away. I recommend clicking “Follow” instead if the individual is active on LinkedIn. Take the time to read and interact with several of their posts. You’re helping start conversations and increase visibility of their own work — which leads to my final point.
#5: Bring something to the “table.”
No, coffee doesn’t count.
As my own (sadly departed) mentor Randy Pausch famously shared with the world in his Last Lecture, “Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome.” If you want to earn someone’s time, their most precious resource, you’ll stand a better chance if you can bring some sort of mutual value to the table.
If you want to earn someone’s time, their most precious resource, you’ll stand a better chance if you can bring some sort of mutual value to the table.
What do you mean, coffee doesn’t count?
Sadly, offering a coffee doesn’t usually qualify as thoughtful. Everyone is doing this. And besides, most of us are surrounded by free coffee that doesn’t consume any of our time. There’s no harm in offering, but it certainly doesn’t set you out from the crowd. And in a pandemic-tinged world, these invitations to public food and beverage rituals come with newfound risk that concerned or disabled folks like me are much less likely to take on.
So, you want something more valuable? How about dinner?
No, that’s not what I mean. Meals are even riskier, as they imply a huge time commitment (60–90 minutes), plus the negotiation: where will you be eating? When? Is rush hour a factor? Is a babysitter required? Anyone offering to “buy me a meal” who isn’t already a friend feels a bit presumptuous. Too much commitment, too soon.
Ugh, what then? This is impossible!
Consider this: the people you’re seeking mentorship from probably have enough money for coffee and meals. They spend time and money on causes they care about, are often stressed, and they don’t have enough time for themselves. How can you bring something of value that solves those problems? It might not be physical.
Bring your own time to the table: My story
My first mentorship story: I was a prospective student at a Carnegie Mellon college visit when I first saw Randy Pausch speak, long before his international fame. He described my now-chosen field to the crowd and blew my mind, which in and of itself was compelling. Then he shared his experience as an Imagineer and I realized — I want to meet him! I want to learn from his experience! How can I make that happen?
But as a lowly incoming freshman, I was unlikely to have much to offer to distinguish myself. And I could have randomly reached out for coffee, but I didn’t. Instead, I pursued a job as the assistant to his assistant, and worked there for over six months between classes. Not glamorous work, but it got me into the room in a way where I could be genuinely helpful, earn trust, and provide value. This investment of my own time to provide value meant we knew each other later, when I needed help in his class or wanted to apply to his graduate program. It formed the basis of a mutually beneficial relationship, a job as his TA, and eventually a friendship that unfolded over many years . You don’t get that kind of trust from a coffee.
Get creative
Everyone’s journey is different, of course. But is there a creative way you can provide value to your desired mentor? I’ve been on the receiving end of this exchange: for example, colleagues who helped out when I was recovering from surgery. There was no immediate ask, but they’ve built trust with me and I trust my time with them would be valuable in its own right.
Some creative ideas to build engagement and trust with a potential mentor:
- If they’re a speaker or performer, make the effort to show up in person to their talk, show, or other event.
- Offer a skill swap, if you have a unique skill in your toolbox.
- Spread the word about this person’s work: share articles or videos with your network. Engage with their social media posts.
- Can you offer to drive a carpool for their commute to work or an event? That’s a great chance to ask some questions and build trust that’s rarely used while providing real value.
- Donate time or effort to a cause of shared importance. Volunteer your time to help a non-profit they work with.
- Offer to make a donation to a charity they care about in exchange for their time in a coffee meeting.
The trick for any of these approaches is they are hopeful acts: you can’t go in with any expectation or entitlement. In the end, your potential mentor may not have time. Maybe they don’t have time today, but you’ll build some mutual trust that will lead to future conversations or an accepted LinkedIn invite.
Oh, so you didn’t mean MONETARY value.
Right. There are ways to provide monetary value, but time is a more precious resource. How can you provide something of comparable value to justify your mentor’s expenditure of time? You don’t always need to do this. Some mentors are lucky enough to have tons of time to spare without extra effort… but mentees who bring something to the table meet with better success.
Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome. — Randy Pausch
In closing: You don’t have to catch ’em all
I may be a Pokemon fan, but my parting thought is this: you don’t need to collect every cool industry peer you see for your network. Focus on quality of relationships. Find opportunities to provide mutual value and to earn trust. Remember that you’re asking for unpaid labor from someone you’ve likely never met. And if you’re coming from a freely available article or talk of theirs, remember they’ve already provided you a service — and likely have other material available as well that you should use as your starting point.
If you’ve done your homework and you still get turned down by a prospective mentor, please don’t take it personally. We’re all just doing the best we can. I remember the folks who gracefully acknowledge my “no”, and that act of respect for my time is a start of some trust.
Take Mr. Rogers’ advice: “Look for the helpers.” Work hard, be humble, and be mindful and present when you do get the opportunity to connect with others you respect.
Remember: Successful networking isn’t a game or a collection: it is a two-way exchange of trust, time, and insight rooted in real human connections.
Cheryl Platz is a design leader and author best known for her work on cutting-edge products including Amazon’s Alexa, the Echo Look, Cortana, Windows Automotive, and Microsoft’s Azure platform. She is currently Director of UX for the Player Platform at Riot Games - but all opinions expressed here are her own. Her first book, Design Beyond Devices: Creating Multimodal, Cross-Device Experiences was released as an Amazon bestseller in 2020 by Rosenfeld Media.
Cheryl is also passionate about design outreach and education — as owner of design education company Ideaplatz, LLC, she delivers talks, workshops, and consulting insights to audiences around the globe that empower designers with new skills and perspectives.
